Signs Your Teen Doesn't Want Executive Function Coaching

"My son knows he's struggling in school, but when I suggested getting some help, he (went to his room / raised his voice / stonewalled / changed the subject / told me I'm horrible / etc.)"

We hear variations of this story quite a bit.  

We used to try to fight through the resistance. It's hard-wired into us as educators to want to reach the struggling student. 

At RESET we look at it differently. It's a double opt-in enterprise. You have to want to be helped, we have to think we can help you. 

We respect organizations and interventions that work against resistance; RESET is not that program.Sometimes that means telling parents: Your teen doesn't want coaching, and it's all good. 

What does "resistance" sound like in real life? 

I like the stages of change model. It's simple: 

That first stage has such a lovely name - "pre-contemplation." 

It means someone doesn't believe they have a problem that needs addressing.

One wonders: What does that sound like? 

Sometimes it's pretty blunt - "I don't have a problem here." 

Other times it's subtler. We've developed an ear for it, over time. 

1. A (very large) gap between parent's assessment, and teen's assessment

I was talking with Tyler during an intake call. He said: "My mom says, 'oh, you have this problem with time management.' I think maybe there's a bit of an issue, but I think she makes a bigger deal out of it than it actually is." 

Tyler believed that the problem was overstated. And I'm inclined to take him at his word. He might be right, he might be wrong, but I'm not going to try and persuade him. 

Our experience shows it's unwise to persuade a kid who doesn't believe he has a problem that he has a problem. You might get some short-term wins - he turns an AP English paper in a few days earlier than he would have. But he views the coaching relationship as adversarial, something to avoid, and something that has negative connotation. "Mom made do it." 

2. "I could take it or leave it" usually means "I want to leave it" 

We sometimes ask teens to rate 1-10 how interested they are in coaching. Sometimes the rating gives us information, but it's what they say after the rating that really clarifies. 

Here's Tyler again: "In all honesty, it's like a six. I just don't really know the direction it would go. I feel I'm pretty good on this front, especially compared to my friends." 

There's politeness there, and limited enthusiasm. Fair enough. It's the lack of conviction that is the red flag for us - if there's nothing wrong with your system, why change it? 

Another version of this is trying to pre-negotiate frequency. Noah says: ""Maybe we could check in? I don't see a need to meet like every day or even like maybe once a week or every other week. I think every other week or 1x a month would be good, honestly." 

With executive functioning challenges, we're very skeptical of the weekly model to start; we need frequent touchpoints to get a feel for how well you follow-through. "Let's meet once a month" == I don't think I need this.

3. Downplaying the significance of the challenge  

Trevor had been on his phone, on average, for 6 hours every weeknight for the past 6 months. We pointed that out to him.

"Oh yeah. Well. I mean. I feel like with me having not had any sports after school recently, it's definitely been a lot of screen time. But I feel like with just less time in my schedule, I think it will end up at about like probably an hour of, you know, just entertainment stuff. I'm not that worried about it." 

We showed him the receipts from his screen time app. He hand-waved it away - not real data, don't trust it, I'm not on my phone that much. 

Of course we’d want to help Trevor. But not when the facts, and their interpretation, are in dispute. So we leave it alone.

Why We Don't Coach Teens in Pre-Contemplation

At RESET, we've learned through experience that working with teens in pre-contemplation almost always ends in frustration for everyone involved.

It's painful to wait. You see your son or daughter’s potential. You know they’re capable of more. Obviously don't give up! But don't force coaching.

At some point - maybe 2 weeks, maybe 6 months, maybe 3 years - they might be ready.

In the meantime, there are other paths. Try other indirect ways of getting at it, at least at first. If you want some help with that, give us a call.