Maybe Start with “One Thing”

Many parent calls with us start the same way:

“Alex is a mess right now. Phone use - it’s out of control. He's missing assignments, not going to sleep until 2am, his grades are tanking. He’s not doing his chores. He makes us late in the morning because he oversleeps. And honestly the vibe at home is just … tense.”

We get it, teenagers can be quite complicated. And often the problems stack up.

If there are 25 things wrong, it can be tempting to do an overhaul. Like a fundamental "address everything at once" boot camp. And such options exist!  

Yet our focus at RESET is more modest: "Let's focus on just one thing first."

Parents intellectually understand this approach - maybe they've read James Clear, maybe they know about habit formation - but emotionally, they're hoping for a comprehensive solution that addresses everything at once.

It's natural to think: "How is fixing his morning routine going to help with his D in Chemistry?”

And yet! 

Why “one thing” works ... sometimes?

Clear suggests the science is pretty clear on this. He says: 

Research has shown that you are 2x to 3x more likely to stick with your habits if you make a specific plan for when, where, and how you will perform the behavior...follow-up research has discovered implementation intentions only work when you focus on one thing at a time. In fact, researchers found that people who tried to accomplish multiple goals were less committed and less likely to succeed than those who focused on a single goal.

I think Clear overstates this case.

He bases this on a study from 2012 in the Journal of Consumer Research comparing people pursuing one goal versus six.

According to the study planning for six goals undermines your success - you see the complexity and get overwhelmed.

But Clear downplays another key finding: that same study notes multiple goals can work well if framed properly.

So: Starting with one thing is smart. But what REALLY matters is making your goals feel doable.

Don’t do it because of the studies - do it because of common sense.

We stick with one thing not because the studies say so or don’t. Studies say a lot of things. We stick with one thing because teenagers are busy and they are often overwhelmed. 

New habits require enormous conscious effort before they become automatic. When we try to change everything at once, it requires too much concentration, and we get depleted. And it reinforces their identity as someone who "can't get things done" or someone who "has to avoid mom when she asks what I've gotten done." 

One mom I work with, who I'll call Jodi, initially wanted help with her son -

• Better grades - he was failing English and Physics

• Less phone time - 7 hrs on weekdays

• More social interaction - had one “kind of” friend

• More participation in activities - used to love swimming, now hates swimming

• Morning punctuality - couldn’t get him out of bed

We decided to focus solely on mornings for three weeks. Just getting Reggie downstairs, ready to go, by 7:15 AM.

"But what about the phone?" she asked. "What about the homework?" I promised we'd get there. She reluctantly agreed.

Bonus: Sometimes you might see positive “spillovers.”

One "secret" for focusing on one thing is that the plan to execute it typically involves many other related things. 

In other words - if you want to get more sleep at night, you have to get to bed earlier. You have to be on your phone less, almost by definition. And you have to start your homework a few hours before your otherwise would. 

In Reggie's case, yes he was consistently ready on time, but other aspects of his life were improving too:

• The entire household was less stressed

• His mood improved from better sleep

• Even his relationship with his mom improved because they weren't starting each day with conflict

Economists call these "positive spillovers" or "positive externalities" - beneficial side effects that occur naturally when you focus on another, independent, thing.

This is a long-term play.

Yes, his approach requires a lot of patience.

When we tell parents we're only focusing on morning routine for the next three weeks, there's often a moment of hesitation. "But what about all those other problems?

Focus on one thing, make some progress, then move to the next.  The most successful families we work with embrace this approach. 

They "bite the bullet" and see it as a long-term game.

As parents, we naturally want to solve all our children's problems at once. Don't do it! Won't work anyway. Try one thing instead.